Rambling on

Well today I have very high pain and I am starting to go a bit crazy. My blog about traveling is seriously interrupted by my health right now. I spent most of the morning wondering if it was worth it to go to the emergency room but I have not gone yet. I have had to make four emergency room visits in the last few months and they never work out very well. The doctors usually just overload me with morphine or dilaudid or some other pain meds in combination. That does not improve my health it just gives me a couple of hours with less pain then I am right back in my current condition again. I have my own drugs here at home I just can't take such large quantities without some medical monitoring.

I am seriously tired of this ongoing medical problem. I have had pain for almost twenty years now but lately I am having a difficult time coping with it. In the past I have had even worse pain that I tolerated much better than I can tolerate this now. I moved out to the hot climate in the California San Joaquin Valley to see if I felt better in the heat. It has helped me somewhat compared to the cold wet San Francisco Bay area but it is still not enough. I feel like a prisoner. I force myself to go out and ride my bike everyday to get some activity in and frequently do fifty miles on the bike. The last few days I can barely swing my leg over the bike to get started though. When I am no longer able to ride which might be soon I will totally and finally go insane from this. Then the blog will be officially over even though it will remain online missing an ending point. I should just give up on it now since I haven't been able to write for so long I seriously doubt if I will ever recover enough to start it up again. If only hope did spring eternally maybe I could get back to it one day. I am having some more surgery in a couple of weeks over at the Stanford cancer center but I am not expecting it to help me much, if at all. I guess I have just lost all faith in doctors and the American medical industry.

There are still lots of good pages of reading in the archives if you have not read them yet. Start at the beginning , April 2010, and enjoy your reading. Reading will soon be obsolete according to a story I read on the net yesterday. Younger people are reading less and less as time goes by. They seem to have the 140 character limit to their attention span. I still read a book or more a day and without that I would already be gone. I live vicariously through those books now to escape my tormented body. This week I have been reading Jon Krakauer's books, Into Thin Air, Where Men Win Glory, Into the Wild, Eiger Dreams and next up Under the Banner of Heaven will keep me busy. It doesn't always work, but it is all I have right now. So enjoy life while you still can. PURAVIDA paparoach