A Bit of Respite

Well for over a week now my pain level has been very low. I have actually regained a bit of a life. Over the last week I have gone out and been social, even so far as to have a couple of dates finally. I can laugh and play. My mind is much sharper again and my wit has returned to some extent. Some of my friends asked me what came over me to make me so much more fun all of a sudden. Being social, laughing and enjoying people are all things that I am incapable of doing when my pain is high and controlling my entire mind/body experience. Being social, even basic small stuff is next to impossible with high pain. Very few people seem to understand this. I try to go through the motions of being social even when my pain is high but I come out stiff and cold as well as dull and boring. I try to be social all the time even when I have high pain. I pretend that the pain is not there and don't talk about it or anything but I can not hide the fact that my brain is elsewhere making me appear to be cold and aloof.

It has been almost two years since my last respite like this. For two very long years I have been focused on nothing but surviving my pain warped life on an hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute scale. I still have limited mobility due to nerve damage and loss of motor control in my leg but the pain is way more controlling than the loss of mobility. I could have a good life even out of a wheelchair but the acute pain sucks life right out of me. Later today I am going river tubing with some friends. I would not be able to do that with high pain. The high heat here in Bakersfield has a lot to do with my feeling better all of a sudden. It has been over a hundred degrees everyday for going on two weeks now. When it is this hot my pain melts away.

But one day the pain will return...probably very suddenly too. When it returns is when I am most at risk of losing this battle. All I can hope for is for this respite to last long enough to rebuild some small reservoir of hope that will keep me going until the next respite. Meanwhile I am going to go for the gusto and live life like it should be led, enjoying myself. I hope you are enjoying life too. PURAVIDA