Well it is approaching Father's Day again. I do not celebrate it with my father. My father and I have not gotten along for as far back as I am able to remember. During my days growing up, all I remember of him are his biting hurtful words to me and his totally negative attitude toward me. He also often enough resorted to physical demonstrations of his dislike for me. For whatever reason he only acted like this to me not the rest of my siblings. Although now he treats my older brother with pretty much the same contempt. That surprised me because growing up my older brother was the pride and joy who could do no wrong. I think our father changed his attitude to my brother over differing political points of view but I am not able to say exactly.
I have no idea what triggered my father's animosity aimed in my direction. As a young adult I often wondered about what his motive was for this behavior. My first thought was maybe he isn't my biological father or something but I quickly stopped trying to figure it out since by then I was no longer living under his roof. I thought what the hell difference does it make now anyway if we don't get along. We don't have to get along. We can just go our separate ways and live our own lives and forget the past animosity. Well that doesn't work out so well. He always was very good at acting in public like he was the nicest guy in the world but then when he was alone with me outside of the hearing range and sight of others he would start digging at me as meanly as he could. When I was finally old enough and large enough to fight back it was too late to ever have even a civil relationship with him. The day that happened was when I returned home from Madison after the police had wrongly arrested me during the antiwar riots in the late sixties. He very harshly mouthed off at me then charged me like he was going to get physical but I stood up to him and he backed down. I left that day and never looked back. We went for years without any contact. I wandered around the world for years and became a father myself. My parents came out to visit after the birth of my first son. I got along well with my mom but my father was still the same spiteful mean spirited person. Some things just never change.
Today, my siblings do not understand why I am so "mean" to their loving father by talking openly about my experiences with him. They do not believe their father could have ever acted so cruelly to me. They accuse me of making up lies about him. It is true that he treated them much differently than he treated me. I am happy for them. I am the bad guy now in their eyes. My father very carefully cultivates that with them. He knows exactly what he is doing. I do not understand the why of his motives for his continuing animosity and I never will but it is the reality for now and for ever as far as I can see. So I have pretty much lost any relationship with the rest of my siblings and extended family over this. There is nothing I can do about that since it is their decision. I guess that was what my father wanted, me out of the family. I won't say it doesn't hurt but I have gone past this to just live my life in peace. I don't want any animosity in my life. There is entirely too much of it in the world. My children are also losers in this silly situation because they miss out on lots of extended family contact. There will be no Father's Day celebration between my father and myself. To everybody else though, Happy Father's Day!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Obamacare
The title of this post is misleading. I am appalled that the United States has such a messed up medical care distribution system. The rest of the world has already come around to treating healthcare as a human right that is best served up on an equal footing to everybody without regard to ability to pay or any other criteria. But here in the U.S. care is only doled out based on your ability to pay or by your insurance provider's rules. If you have neither you are stuck. Sure the claim is that no one is turned away that needs medical care in an emergency but the reality is totally different than that standard.
I have been having medical problems for the last twenty years. At first when I was earning good money and had good insurance through an HMO my healthcare was great. But then I got worse and became totally disabled. I could no longer work so I no longer had income to pay the premiums on my HMO. I was converted to Medi-care/Medi-cal coverage. At first that went fine because they paid for my same HMO coverage that I had been buying myself all along. But then one day the HMO was allowed to dump me because I was costing them too much. Suddenly I had to resort to county provided healthcare. Sure the theory is that you can choose your own provider and pay through medi-care but the fact is there are no longer any doctors or facilities that accept the low payments paid by Medi-care so your only choice is the county hospital. So that is where I ended up.
My first appointment took over a year to get. They screened me at that appointment and told me to make a followup appointment. That was another ten months later. I was able to go to a small community clinic to keep my prescriptions filled for all my pain control meds but my health problems were beyond the capabilities of the physicians assistants and the overworked general practitioner at the small clinic. I needed specialists and surgeons not a shot for measles.
After a few years of almost no medical care at all I was finally referred to the specialists I needed. They each checked me out and passed me on to another specialist with each new doctor or clinic or hospital having their own lengthy wait for new patients to get in. I ended up most recently at Stanford Hospital for diagnostics and treatment. For the last two years I have been wading through their system getting lots of tests and being seen by various specialists. I never made it to the end of their system because my health coverage changed yet again.
When Obama announced his recently passed ObamaCare he gave a great speech in which he said that now all Americans would get healthcare equal to the quality of care he himself or the senators that passed the bill were getting. Well that is not true in any sense.
I have now been assigned to a County of Alameda HMO called Alliance for Health. As soon as I was assigned to the HMO Stanford Hospital told me I was no longer able to be seen there to finish my assessment and treatment at their Stanford Cancer Clinic. I have spent about 40 hours on the phone trying to contact the new HMO I was assigned to but have only spoken to a human twice and each time I was told that they would have to call me back. They have never returned my calls despite my verification of the correct phone number etc. I have given up now. I refuse to spend another minute of my life grovelling for healthcare. I would rather just let cancers and anything else just kill me. If this is the kind of healthcare the president and senate enjoy I would be shocked.
I do not blame Obama for this situation. I put the blame on the American Medical Association. They have manipulated the state of medical care in this country for decades by limiting the number of doctors available and price fixing medical care. Medical care in this country is about six times more expensive than the rest of the developed world. Americans have been brainwashed into thinking that the U.S. has the number one medical care in the world when by any impartial study it is more like 37th or 38th from the top. The AMA is the entity behind the brainwashing. They have done a very good job. But they do not do a very good job of providing medical care to those that need it...only to those who can shell out the high fees they extort. Anybody like me that complains is made out to be a fool or worse some kind of communist or socialist or something. But the truth is that medical care in this country is not based on a free and open market. The entire market is manipulated. From the number of doctors allowed to the fees charged it is all planned to drive the price as high as it is able to go. Well I give up in defeat. I am too weak to do anything about this situation. When my current meds run out I will just die and the system will go on. It is as simple as that--just modern genocide of the poor and medically indigent. It is the American way.
I have been having medical problems for the last twenty years. At first when I was earning good money and had good insurance through an HMO my healthcare was great. But then I got worse and became totally disabled. I could no longer work so I no longer had income to pay the premiums on my HMO. I was converted to Medi-care/Medi-cal coverage. At first that went fine because they paid for my same HMO coverage that I had been buying myself all along. But then one day the HMO was allowed to dump me because I was costing them too much. Suddenly I had to resort to county provided healthcare. Sure the theory is that you can choose your own provider and pay through medi-care but the fact is there are no longer any doctors or facilities that accept the low payments paid by Medi-care so your only choice is the county hospital. So that is where I ended up.
My first appointment took over a year to get. They screened me at that appointment and told me to make a followup appointment. That was another ten months later. I was able to go to a small community clinic to keep my prescriptions filled for all my pain control meds but my health problems were beyond the capabilities of the physicians assistants and the overworked general practitioner at the small clinic. I needed specialists and surgeons not a shot for measles.
After a few years of almost no medical care at all I was finally referred to the specialists I needed. They each checked me out and passed me on to another specialist with each new doctor or clinic or hospital having their own lengthy wait for new patients to get in. I ended up most recently at Stanford Hospital for diagnostics and treatment. For the last two years I have been wading through their system getting lots of tests and being seen by various specialists. I never made it to the end of their system because my health coverage changed yet again.
When Obama announced his recently passed ObamaCare he gave a great speech in which he said that now all Americans would get healthcare equal to the quality of care he himself or the senators that passed the bill were getting. Well that is not true in any sense.
I have now been assigned to a County of Alameda HMO called Alliance for Health. As soon as I was assigned to the HMO Stanford Hospital told me I was no longer able to be seen there to finish my assessment and treatment at their Stanford Cancer Clinic. I have spent about 40 hours on the phone trying to contact the new HMO I was assigned to but have only spoken to a human twice and each time I was told that they would have to call me back. They have never returned my calls despite my verification of the correct phone number etc. I have given up now. I refuse to spend another minute of my life grovelling for healthcare. I would rather just let cancers and anything else just kill me. If this is the kind of healthcare the president and senate enjoy I would be shocked.
I do not blame Obama for this situation. I put the blame on the American Medical Association. They have manipulated the state of medical care in this country for decades by limiting the number of doctors available and price fixing medical care. Medical care in this country is about six times more expensive than the rest of the developed world. Americans have been brainwashed into thinking that the U.S. has the number one medical care in the world when by any impartial study it is more like 37th or 38th from the top. The AMA is the entity behind the brainwashing. They have done a very good job. But they do not do a very good job of providing medical care to those that need it...only to those who can shell out the high fees they extort. Anybody like me that complains is made out to be a fool or worse some kind of communist or socialist or something. But the truth is that medical care in this country is not based on a free and open market. The entire market is manipulated. From the number of doctors allowed to the fees charged it is all planned to drive the price as high as it is able to go. Well I give up in defeat. I am too weak to do anything about this situation. When my current meds run out I will just die and the system will go on. It is as simple as that--just modern genocide of the poor and medically indigent. It is the American way.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Immigration raid
I share my living situation with some illegals. These 18 and 19 year old kids have lived in California since their parents came here right after they were born. They grew up here, went to local schools speak "American" English but they have no legal standing.
They were shopping with their little brother who was born here and is thus a citizen when the younger 14 year old boy shoplifted a small item. The older girls were all charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor and then one of the three girls was deported to TJ Mexico. She was back here the same day she was deported. She has lived her entire life in California. Why was one deported but not the rest of them? Who knows? The fact that she had a five month old son that is an American citizen made no difference to immigration or maybe that is why they deported her and not her other two friends that also got arrested with her. Did they know the 14 year old was shoplifting? They tell me they did not. Even if they did know he was shoplifting why is their treatment so arbitrary?
Lots of teenagers shoplift and then become fine citizens later on in life. It seems to be a stage of development many teens need to go through. I don't think it is fair or cost effective to do this deportation shuffle. It costs the State a lot of money and gets nothing in return. It is time the U.S. did another amnesty program for these unfortunate kids to make them legal tax paying immigrants instead of wasting so much money on the current merry go round system. One day other countries are going to start treating American citizens traveling abroad the same unfair way their citizens get treated here. Brazil is already doing that to travelers going there. I think that is fair. Be careful traveling abroad so that it doesn't get you in big trouble. Enjoy your travels. PURAVIDA
They were shopping with their little brother who was born here and is thus a citizen when the younger 14 year old boy shoplifted a small item. The older girls were all charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor and then one of the three girls was deported to TJ Mexico. She was back here the same day she was deported. She has lived her entire life in California. Why was one deported but not the rest of them? Who knows? The fact that she had a five month old son that is an American citizen made no difference to immigration or maybe that is why they deported her and not her other two friends that also got arrested with her. Did they know the 14 year old was shoplifting? They tell me they did not. Even if they did know he was shoplifting why is their treatment so arbitrary?
Lots of teenagers shoplift and then become fine citizens later on in life. It seems to be a stage of development many teens need to go through. I don't think it is fair or cost effective to do this deportation shuffle. It costs the State a lot of money and gets nothing in return. It is time the U.S. did another amnesty program for these unfortunate kids to make them legal tax paying immigrants instead of wasting so much money on the current merry go round system. One day other countries are going to start treating American citizens traveling abroad the same unfair way their citizens get treated here. Brazil is already doing that to travelers going there. I think that is fair. Be careful traveling abroad so that it doesn't get you in big trouble. Enjoy your travels. PURAVIDA
Friday, May 13, 2011
Long haired hippy freaks
So about a year and a half ago I decided to grow my hair long. The reason I did was because when it hits eight inches I am donating it to a charity that I like. It has been growing quickly and I now have long flowing locks like in the old hippy days.
It has been interesting to note how people started to treat me differently as my hair started to get longer and longer. Doctors treat me totally different now as a long hair. Most but not all of them immediately assume I am a drug addict just because my hair is longer and then they treat me with outright contempt often times. That never happened when I had short hair. Suddenly the drugs I need for my chronic pain were getting harder and harder to obtain. I have not changed anything else except the length of my hair. I still behave in exactly the same way as I did before and the doctors treated me with respect then but with disdain now. Why is this? My politics are the same. My speech has not changed. I am still polite and soft spoken. I will admit that once the doctors start treating me with disdain I respond and start pushing their buttons right back which is something I never had to do before.
At Stanford Hospital Emergency room I ran into a particularly rude doctor. He first started to tell me I should not be coming to a classy hospital like Stanford but I should be going to one of those specialty clinics over in Oakland. When I asked him what he was talking about he just repeatedly said the same things over and over again about how there were no doctors at Stanford that were trained to treat people like me but that there were forty or fifty clinics over in Oakland that were specially trained to treat people like me. He was referring to methadone clinics and other drug abuse clinics but he would not say it directly. I pushed him on it to give a name of a clinic and asked him how could there possibly not be any doctors at Stanford Hospital that treat chronic pain. I asked what he meant by "people like you." But he refused to elaborate on his meaning. He intentionally tried to provoke me so that he could call security and have me thrown out but I did not bite on his baiting provocations. I knew for a fact that there was a specialty clinic for pain in the Stanford system but he denied that there was. He ranted and raved at me that only the clinics in Oakland were trained to treat people like me. Then he discharged me with a contemptuous attitude and told me to never return. I should have pressed charges against him but I chose not to. I did file a complaint with the administration over his behavior. They took my complaint seriously.
I only bring this up because earlier this month I had my prescription meds stolen out of my backpack while I was traveling and I had to replace them. That meant going to a new doctor and asking for morphine which I understand can look like a drug addict's behavior. I got my prescriptions but I was treated very rudely by the doctor. So when traveling carry meds in a safe way and don't keep them all in the same place because sometimes it takes a long time to replace them when you are on the road.
Why do humans have such a strong need or even compulsion to have to place everybody they come into contact with into some sort of pigeon hole based on some random criteria like the length of hair or the color of skin or their dress etc? Please take the time to treat people respectfully when you meet them whether you are traveling or just around your daily life. Don't assume things about the character and intentions of others until you have enough facts to actually make an informed decision. Enjoy life.
It has been interesting to note how people started to treat me differently as my hair started to get longer and longer. Doctors treat me totally different now as a long hair. Most but not all of them immediately assume I am a drug addict just because my hair is longer and then they treat me with outright contempt often times. That never happened when I had short hair. Suddenly the drugs I need for my chronic pain were getting harder and harder to obtain. I have not changed anything else except the length of my hair. I still behave in exactly the same way as I did before and the doctors treated me with respect then but with disdain now. Why is this? My politics are the same. My speech has not changed. I am still polite and soft spoken. I will admit that once the doctors start treating me with disdain I respond and start pushing their buttons right back which is something I never had to do before.
At Stanford Hospital Emergency room I ran into a particularly rude doctor. He first started to tell me I should not be coming to a classy hospital like Stanford but I should be going to one of those specialty clinics over in Oakland. When I asked him what he was talking about he just repeatedly said the same things over and over again about how there were no doctors at Stanford that were trained to treat people like me but that there were forty or fifty clinics over in Oakland that were specially trained to treat people like me. He was referring to methadone clinics and other drug abuse clinics but he would not say it directly. I pushed him on it to give a name of a clinic and asked him how could there possibly not be any doctors at Stanford Hospital that treat chronic pain. I asked what he meant by "people like you." But he refused to elaborate on his meaning. He intentionally tried to provoke me so that he could call security and have me thrown out but I did not bite on his baiting provocations. I knew for a fact that there was a specialty clinic for pain in the Stanford system but he denied that there was. He ranted and raved at me that only the clinics in Oakland were trained to treat people like me. Then he discharged me with a contemptuous attitude and told me to never return. I should have pressed charges against him but I chose not to. I did file a complaint with the administration over his behavior. They took my complaint seriously.
I only bring this up because earlier this month I had my prescription meds stolen out of my backpack while I was traveling and I had to replace them. That meant going to a new doctor and asking for morphine which I understand can look like a drug addict's behavior. I got my prescriptions but I was treated very rudely by the doctor. So when traveling carry meds in a safe way and don't keep them all in the same place because sometimes it takes a long time to replace them when you are on the road.
Why do humans have such a strong need or even compulsion to have to place everybody they come into contact with into some sort of pigeon hole based on some random criteria like the length of hair or the color of skin or their dress etc? Please take the time to treat people respectfully when you meet them whether you are traveling or just around your daily life. Don't assume things about the character and intentions of others until you have enough facts to actually make an informed decision. Enjoy life.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Rambling on
Well today I have very high pain and I am starting to go a bit crazy. My blog about traveling is seriously interrupted by my health right now. I spent most of the morning wondering if it was worth it to go to the emergency room but I have not gone yet. I have had to make four emergency room visits in the last few months and they never work out very well. The doctors usually just overload me with morphine or dilaudid or some other pain meds in combination. That does not improve my health it just gives me a couple of hours with less pain then I am right back in my current condition again. I have my own drugs here at home I just can't take such large quantities without some medical monitoring.
I am seriously tired of this ongoing medical problem. I have had pain for almost twenty years now but lately I am having a difficult time coping with it. In the past I have had even worse pain that I tolerated much better than I can tolerate this now. I moved out to the hot climate in the California San Joaquin Valley to see if I felt better in the heat. It has helped me somewhat compared to the cold wet San Francisco Bay area but it is still not enough. I feel like a prisoner. I force myself to go out and ride my bike everyday to get some activity in and frequently do fifty miles on the bike. The last few days I can barely swing my leg over the bike to get started though. When I am no longer able to ride which might be soon I will totally and finally go insane from this. Then the blog will be officially over even though it will remain online missing an ending point. I should just give up on it now since I haven't been able to write for so long I seriously doubt if I will ever recover enough to start it up again. If only hope did spring eternally maybe I could get back to it one day. I am having some more surgery in a couple of weeks over at the Stanford cancer center but I am not expecting it to help me much, if at all. I guess I have just lost all faith in doctors and the American medical industry.
There are still lots of good pages of reading in the archives if you have not read them yet. Start at the beginning , April 2010, and enjoy your reading. Reading will soon be obsolete according to a story I read on the net yesterday. Younger people are reading less and less as time goes by. They seem to have the 140 character limit to their attention span. I still read a book or more a day and without that I would already be gone. I live vicariously through those books now to escape my tormented body. This week I have been reading Jon Krakauer's books, Into Thin Air, Where Men Win Glory, Into the Wild, Eiger Dreams and next up Under the Banner of Heaven will keep me busy. It doesn't always work, but it is all I have right now. So enjoy life while you still can. PURAVIDA paparoach
I am seriously tired of this ongoing medical problem. I have had pain for almost twenty years now but lately I am having a difficult time coping with it. In the past I have had even worse pain that I tolerated much better than I can tolerate this now. I moved out to the hot climate in the California San Joaquin Valley to see if I felt better in the heat. It has helped me somewhat compared to the cold wet San Francisco Bay area but it is still not enough. I feel like a prisoner. I force myself to go out and ride my bike everyday to get some activity in and frequently do fifty miles on the bike. The last few days I can barely swing my leg over the bike to get started though. When I am no longer able to ride which might be soon I will totally and finally go insane from this. Then the blog will be officially over even though it will remain online missing an ending point. I should just give up on it now since I haven't been able to write for so long I seriously doubt if I will ever recover enough to start it up again. If only hope did spring eternally maybe I could get back to it one day. I am having some more surgery in a couple of weeks over at the Stanford cancer center but I am not expecting it to help me much, if at all. I guess I have just lost all faith in doctors and the American medical industry.
There are still lots of good pages of reading in the archives if you have not read them yet. Start at the beginning , April 2010, and enjoy your reading. Reading will soon be obsolete according to a story I read on the net yesterday. Younger people are reading less and less as time goes by. They seem to have the 140 character limit to their attention span. I still read a book or more a day and without that I would already be gone. I live vicariously through those books now to escape my tormented body. This week I have been reading Jon Krakauer's books, Into Thin Air, Where Men Win Glory, Into the Wild, Eiger Dreams and next up Under the Banner of Heaven will keep me busy. It doesn't always work, but it is all I have right now. So enjoy life while you still can. PURAVIDA paparoach
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Ledge
This is an example of why I have not been posting lately. This drivel is a poem I quickly jotted down recently while in high pain on copious amounts of morphine. Depression from the relentless pain had consumed my mind like a fire would have and I wanted an escape. Read from the beginning of the archives to the right for better material.
The Ledge
Like blistering heat of flames it drives me out
To the ledge, looking up then down the abyss tempts me
I feel the urge to be free from the searing pain but
The ability to soar away from its heat has eluded me
For so long now frozen
Feet won’t move only twitching, my mind
Fuels the flames but the feet go
Nowhere despite the unrelenting agony
The heat still pushes hotter, the quicker, easier
Ledge looms always beckoning
To relieve the agony the flames cause
I look down from the ledge and realize
Fear of death is gone
In this hellish ferocity I see but one
Escape from this wallow of searing torment
My minds self-fueled flames decide for me
Inevitably the feet finally decide to move
Through the spinning spiral of redundant thoughts
I need the cool enticing descent,
Finally my feet move off the ledge to find
I am falling into the abyss but
Going nowhere still chased by flames
No difference to jump or not since the flames
Have already consumed me
by paparoach
The Ledge
Like blistering heat of flames it drives me out
To the ledge, looking up then down the abyss tempts me
I feel the urge to be free from the searing pain but
The ability to soar away from its heat has eluded me
For so long now frozen
Feet won’t move only twitching, my mind
Fuels the flames but the feet go
Nowhere despite the unrelenting agony
The heat still pushes hotter, the quicker, easier
Ledge looms always beckoning
To relieve the agony the flames cause
I look down from the ledge and realize
Fear of death is gone
In this hellish ferocity I see but one
Escape from this wallow of searing torment
My minds self-fueled flames decide for me
Inevitably the feet finally decide to move
Through the spinning spiral of redundant thoughts
I need the cool enticing descent,
Finally my feet move off the ledge to find
I am falling into the abyss but
Going nowhere still chased by flames
No difference to jump or not since the flames
Have already consumed me
by paparoach
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Results
I have been going to Stanford Hospital for the last few months trying to see if they can get me back to a tolerable level of pain. So far not much help just a bunch of tests, but I am just starting in their pain management program. I have been in and out of the hospital for the last couple of months and there hasn't been much if any improvement, just more morphine and dilaudid which I hate taking. The last couple of days have been a bit lower pain levels but my body and brain are just tired of it. I doubt if I will be able to write any time soon. So just read the archives and start at the beginning which is 2010, April, Calabar. I will get back to writing as soon as I am able. Enjoy life while you can. PURAVIDA paparoach
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